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the void


As we took a joy ride and enjoyed family time last Monday, a holiday in view of the barangay elections, I noticed billboards, posters and flyers announcing this Halloween event and that.  I came to the realization that we are now more relatively attuned to Halloween celebrations, I mean as compared to when we were younger, and “trick-or-treat” activities consist of “pangangaluluwa”, much like a Christmas caroling event on hallow’s eve.  Quite self-incriminating fact there.

Anyway, All Souls’ Day is once again upon us.  These days it has come as a shock that we are again almost nearing year-end.  Sometimes I catch myself wondering where all ten months of the year has gone.  It seems to have gone by in a blur, and I am thinking if it is being really too busy and juggling with hectic schedules, or too many activities and some daydreaming in between, of life sometimes being a dream, within a dream, within a dream…but yes, November is here, surprisingly.  Start thereof being marked by All Saints Day and All Souls Day.

It has been family tradition to visit my Mama’s grave in Eternal Gardens Dagupan since her demise in 2008.

My Mama’s grave.  That’s something I still find very difficult to even mention.  Whenever I needed to say it, or to mention the fact that she’s “dead”, it leaves a bitter taste in my mouth.  Five long years later and it still takes my breath away.

I know she is already at peace, smiling down on us from heaven, but I still miss her.  Terribly.  I miss our talks, I miss our book discussions, I miss telling her my plans and wishes and dreams.  I miss her berating me for the mess in my house, I miss her pointing out to me that I seem to neglect those quiet times with myself, just to be, to listen to the whispers of my heart.  I know she knows that it is not always because I have a lot to tackle or that my daily schedule can get really crazy, but that sometimes being alone, and having that much needed conversation with ourselves may not exactly be comforting.  We may not like what we hear.  Indeed, at times inner noise can be more troubling, hence we find ways to drown it with other noise instead.

I miss her words of wisdom.  I have a feeling that if there is space for negativity in heaven she would just heave out a sigh and be disappointed in some of my life’s choices, for some reason.  But I am hoping there is no such space, and all she ever does is enjoy watching us from above, filtered negativity and all.

I remember one of Damon Salvatore’s lines in The Vampire Diaries (S04) when he was standing in his best friend Alaric’s grave, after he walked out of a lantern lighting ceremony for the dead: “What difference does it make? Because in the end, when you lose somebody, every candle, every prayer is not going to make up for the fact that the only thing you have left is hole in your life where that somebody that you cared about used to be. And a rock with a birthday carved into it that I’m pretty sure is wrong.” 


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